I'm Not Normal...

I have recently realized how not normal I am. I cannot be a normal person. I cannot marry a normal man. I cannot raise a few normal children, I cannot live for myself. Why? Because God has called me for something bigger.... I just had one of the most frustrating few minutes of my life. As I am laying on the kitchen floor *in the pile of trash I had swept* crying, saying God I don't understand. God I am mad. God I don't get it. God this is not supposed to happen. God this is NOT NORMAL. I just heard him say so sweetly "I am not asking you to understand, I am not asking for you to get it, I didn't mold you to be normal or to be put in normal situations" I realized right then I could yield and just trust or I could just stay in the trash on the floor with all my pity. So I sat up and I started worshiping LOUD, so my mind could hear it. Loud enough that it shifts my thinking. Loud enough it shifts my atmosphere.

All in just a one day so many things happened, but I remained peaceful. Me and Jozey had a talk a while back and said that we don't want the prophetic words, we don't want the offers, unless we already know what is said and its just a confirmation. And thats exactly what happened. I had a dream when we first got here and it all came about, word for word. So when I said YES to the question, there was no confusion, no fear, no hesitation because he had already told me. So within 3 seconds I responded with a yes. *there was a moment I went um…. WHAT….. after I said it* But my spirit LEAPED. My heart was pounding out of my chest. I couldn't hardly contain what I felt. I felt such a spirit of peace but wanted to run around the room screaming with joy. 

So I don't have a clue what my life holds, I don't have a clue of what I am doing. I really have NO IDEA….. My life could change in a matter seconds. My life could change in one phone call. But God already knows and I so.. trust him,  I am totally ok with that. . Choosing to live "not my will, but yours"  If I have to swim upstream I will. If I have to go against the system I will. Because I am all in. For so many years I have stood on the shore and put my feet in or I would go to my waste and then when a wave came I would run from it. That's not me anymore. Im so far in I cant see the shore.

Now I am just waiting. Waiting to see what is next. I couldn't be in more peace, I couldn't be more in love with the creator of the universe. I could not be happier in this moment. Not knowing can be so great. Trusting and Yielding. Who knew it could be so awesome? So..... I am somewhere in India making decisions I thought would happen when I am older, and just simply dreaming with God. 

i will not live for myself...

i will die to see a generation live...

Not my will but Yours...