I'm Not Normal...

I have recently realized how not normal I am. I cannot be a normal person. I cannot marry a normal man. I cannot raise a few normal children, I cannot live for myself. Why? Because God has called me for something bigger.... I just had one of the most frustrating few minutes of my life. As I am laying on the kitchen floor *in the pile of trash I had swept* crying, saying God I don't understand. God I am mad. God I don't get it. God this is not supposed to happen. God this is NOT NORMAL. I just heard him say so sweetly "I am not asking you to understand, I am not asking for you to get it, I didn't mold you to be normal or to be put in normal situations" I realized right then I could yield and just trust or I could just stay in the trash on the floor with all my pity. So I sat up and I started worshiping LOUD, so my mind could hear it. Loud enough that it shifts my thinking. Loud enough it shifts my atmosphere.

All in just a one day so many things happened, but I remained peaceful. Me and Jozey had a talk a while back and said that we don't want the prophetic words, we don't want the offers, unless we already know what is said and its just a confirmation. And thats exactly what happened. I had a dream when we first got here and it all came about, word for word. So when I said YES to the question, there was no confusion, no fear, no hesitation because he had already told me. So within 3 seconds I responded with a yes. *there was a moment I went um…. WHAT….. after I said it* But my spirit LEAPED. My heart was pounding out of my chest. I couldn't hardly contain what I felt. I felt such a spirit of peace but wanted to run around the room screaming with joy. 

So I don't have a clue what my life holds, I don't have a clue of what I am doing. I really have NO IDEA….. My life could change in a matter seconds. My life could change in one phone call. But God already knows and I so.. trust him,  I am totally ok with that. . Choosing to live "not my will, but yours"  If I have to swim upstream I will. If I have to go against the system I will. Because I am all in. For so many years I have stood on the shore and put my feet in or I would go to my waste and then when a wave came I would run from it. That's not me anymore. Im so far in I cant see the shore.

Now I am just waiting. Waiting to see what is next. I couldn't be in more peace, I couldn't be more in love with the creator of the universe. I could not be happier in this moment. Not knowing can be so great. Trusting and Yielding. Who knew it could be so awesome? So..... I am somewhere in India making decisions I thought would happen when I am older, and just simply dreaming with God. 

i will not live for myself...

i will die to see a generation live...

Not my will but Yours...

Just Simply Be With Me

Whew... It is bedtime here at A2L. We got 4 new children at Breakfast this morning and 7 more this evening! You just never know what will happen here, it is such an awesome atmosphere to live in. Everyday is a brand new day full of surprises...It is like Christmas and a Birthday Party everyday!!!  Daddy God is just so amazing. Seeing the children change the minute they walk through the gates, is breathtaking. No orphans here.

The June Interns are here. We haven't gotten to spend a lot of time with them due to their jet lag and time change. Still so wonderful to see their faces and see them yielding. When they first pulled up it was forget the make-up that we had put on and tears started flowing. I am not the slightest bit home sick but something about seeing the people you love, brings tears of Joy!

For the few that have been keeping up with my cravings.... At this moment it is a SONIC drink with LOTS of Ice....
Great News-- I now officially LOVE the food in India. Nothing better than some white rice and samba! For everyone who said I will come back super skinny, not happening with all the rice. :) AND..... My wonderful mom packed me a little goodie bag and sent it with the inters that came! I have never been so excited to see Gum, Jerky, and Sunflower seeds!!!! (I really have the best mom ever)

So I checked out the branded site and saw that it is only 27 days until the Branded July Group comes! SO crazy! I feel kind of like it was just a few days ago that I left but after looking at the Calendar I realized we have been gone 6 weeks Tomorrow!!! Wow how time flies! I am so looking forward to seeing the Branded people!


God has been doing some crazy things in my life. I read a book The Yielding of Grace by Derek Prince. If you haven't read it, I HIGHLY recommend it. In it, it talks about what does it really mean to be like Jesus..... Jesus didn't come to just preform Miracles. His purpose was to DIE for others to LIVE. Talk about Love! Miracles just came about because he listened to the father, they were just an overflow! If we are here to live like Jesus where did this get all messed up? Why are we only seeking fame in miracles. We are here on this earth to give our life for others to live. That's the MAIN PURPOSE. Everything else is just an overflow!! I think in the "church" we have some glory seekers and not Love driven people.  If my agenda is Love, I cannot fail. If I only do what my father does then I cannot fail. He doesn't let me fail....

The past week or so has been a decision week. What is God saying to do with my life? Stay here? Go Home? I thought I had made my decision? I thought I had it all worked out? God was just after my yielding. I have had Offers to do certain things that are right up my ally but in the end I want God to direct every step. So I take a step, while holding his hand just like a child and choose to yield and listen and walk with him. If your holding your earthly dads hand and walking you don't have to question where you're going he just leads me and I just walk. I don't have to figure anything out, I just rest in the fact I am holding my daddies hand. So that is what I am doing. No Plans, No Agendas, Just being led by him, and that is where 100% pure peace is.

For those of you who know me, know how much God speaks to me in music. The song that I have been playing over and over is off the sound track "where you go, ill go" Its called A little longer Live Version from Bethel. The first 2 min are about what can I do for you God because I am so thankful and the last 3 min are saying you don't have to do a thing just simply be with me, Just wait because this moment is to sweet, just love on me a little longer, let it all go because it doesn't really matter. I have heard it before but until I really understood what he was saying it didn't have the impact it does now....
Learning how to be with Him with so many kids running around and balls flying and bikes racing and dodging frisbees has been amazing. I don't have to stop and pretend like it is not happening I can spend time with God while playing catch and getting run over by bikes Or while picking lice out of a little girls hair, Or bathing the 6 kids in our room *which is pure chaos* and I cannot help but Love it all!! Tonight when I put the 3 new boys to bed after their bath their faces lit up when I let them get the little toy cars and little men Gabe sent and put them in bed with them. These big boys were giggling like little school girls and I couldn't help but catch the laugh it was so contagious! In that moment I realized those boys didn't do anything except be who they were and there is no way I could have loved them anymore.

So lately my life has been extremely busy and crazy but I wouldn't trade it with ANYONES! I am so blessed! Some of my decisions have been made, some not yet. Some I am letting out some I am not, just yet. I am so thankful for each and every one of you who have been praying for us and who will continue to pray for us! I love you all.

It just Beats....

I feel as though my heart is on a Journey of being stretched for life. When I got to India I had a compassion and a love for the people I saw..  But I questioned, Is it possible to love anymore than I already did.... YES. I have cried many tears asking God for his heart for the people of India. Little did I know I was about to receive something so breathtaking. I have yet to see their faces in the natural but it burns so extreme in my heart I cry for love. It burns so strong nothing I do can take it away. I dream of them. I weep for them. My heart beats for them!!!! I imagine this is how a mother feels as she is carrying her baby in her womb. She's never seen her child but is so in love with her baby that it's overwhelming. My heart doesn't beat for me anymore, It doesn't beat for my WANTS it beats for something other than myself. I dont have to take on any responsibility that isnt mine.... I dont have to tell my heart to beat it just BEATS!

I can feel it as my heart has switched from the beat of an orphan to the beat of a son, the beat of a bride. I am just so in love with everything around me the smells have changed, the taste has changed, the look has changed. I don't look and see hopelessness, despair, or sadness. I see the father, I see Hope, I see the ground shifting, I see JOY! I don't hear the chants for 1 of the 330 MILLION Gods they blast on the speakers I hear a cry for the ONE TRUE ABBA FATHER! Do you hear it?

I'm not perfect nor will I ever claim I have it all together. Some mornings I wake up and want to scream, and I cry. I want to hug my family, I cried when I saw my cat on Skype, My baby cousin Ellie is growing up and Im not there to see, my little brother and sister ask for me to please come home.  Im human, but I will not let these emotions define who I am and the decisions I make. Do I really want to live a life for me? I just cant... I've settled it in my heart. IF I never saw my family again, IF I missed every graduation, wedding, birth of a new baby, and never get married.... I WILL TRUST HIM!!!!! Why? Because he is good. He is so incredibly good. He is breathtaking. One look in his eyes and NOTHING else matters!

I was not created to live in a normal house, have a few cute children, and have a white picket fence. I was not created to be fenced in!!! Thank you God for protecting me! Thank you God that I am not married! Thank you God that I didn't get to adopt the one. Thank you God for people like Darrin and Sheila & Jeremiah & Teresa who are willing to lay down their life to see a generation rise up!!! I dont care what anyone says! Im so incredibly honored to be exactly where I am right now.

I dont want a pat on the back saying this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for you and good luck! This isnt a trip and I come back to being the same person I was. Ive had dreams of being in front of all the senators and government officials and speaking to their spirits. Ive already seen the things changing! Ive been here a little over 2 weeks and I am so excited to see what the next couple months hold. I will be the drop that starts the ripple. 

Come Away.... Come Away.....

As I tried to get ready Friday I kept hearing Him say come away with me. I turned on some music tried to stay where I was and still have the intimacy he was wanting to give to me. Wasn't working... So I kept hearing.... Come away with me... Come away with me... You know that warm giggle you feel when your being sought after to have time just you and your love... It's a feeling words cant express. Finally I went away (to the top of the Terrace) with him. It was a time of just me and him no words, no songs, nothing but just being in each others presence. I have this feeling that no one else gets this but me, with him, I have this feeling I am his favorite.

In moments like this its when I see his heart and mine beating at the same time. I don't worry about the past, I don't worry about the present, and I don't worry about the future. The only thing I see is his eyes. Is it possible to be lost in his eyes... Is it possible that I'm in a foreign country away from everything I know and I feel more at peace than ever. Here on this terrace is where he reviles himself to me. Here on this terrace is where we become one. 

Now to the crazy things of India.... Did you know their food is way different than ours.. Well me & Moriah have realized how much we love food! We went to eat at a restaurant last night in Vizag and we were sooooo excited that it taste like American food we both over ate. Im talking entire pizza, chicken burger, fries, and then chocolate cake with fudge and ice cream on top! Hello AWESOME! Did I also mention how earlier in the day there were snickers, chips, and oreos.... I love India, but I love American food!!!

Abandoning Myself to Love

India, well I came thinking I was prepared. But how can you really prepare for this....

The first few days here were really rough. I really thought I didnt have any mindset on how things would be or anything like that. But i did... It caused a lot of heartache a lot of What the Heck am I doing?? I want to go home. My body was literally rejecting the food, water and everything because of my thoughts. Being in India pulls on everything in you that you havent let die. Sooo.... I had to go through some SOZO (liberty road) Thanks to Mother Teresa... I have never really been away from my family for any long amount of time, so it was hard to let go and let Papa God have it all. Talk about Trust.

My heart has literally been broke. The things you see are almost numbing your mind cannot comprehend. Its really like it can not be real.... Friday night as we were in our 16 hour bus ride we starting seeing the children and adults laying on the streets, on the cement.. And people including us just had to drive by. You don't see that in Atoka.... My life has been incredibly changed and I haven't even been here a week. We haven't even been to the roughest parts yet. Pastor James was telling us tonight how in villages if they cannot take care of their children they kill them. Not to long ago a man not very far away killed his 11 month old little girl because he couldnt take care of her. You realize how they think. They really believe it is a good thing to do that. They would rather them die than have to suffer. Breaks my heart to think they believe its their only option.

So here we are at A2L willing to say, whatever you want from us. We are creating an atmosphere to let God be God. Completely abandoning ourselves to the love of our life. I don't have to pick up the pressure of saving every child in India, as long as I am face to face with my Love everything else just falls into place. If you want to stand lets stand. If you want to run lets run. If you want to dance lets dance. I want to be completely vulnerable to him.

Isn't he wonderful.... Yesterday when resting listening to Graham Cooke I had an encounter that changed my way of thinking.

I was standing in a field in India with my hands held high, out of my hands and mouth and body came this white smoke like incense it overtook my body and then starting feeling the air all the way to the clouds. My face was pointed towards the sky as i noticed an angel above me threw a large Diamond down at me. It hit the right side of my chin and i heard the thump. I quickly sat up because I had felt it so heavily hit me I knew the diamond must be in bed with me.

Having to laugh at myself realizing hello...... I dont have to DO anything, I just have to release who I am...

#I am Branded